Currently I feel like I should apply for a job at a circus. I am feeling very qualifed to juggle in a three ring circus on a unicycle. It has got to be easier than what I am doing now! Family, Classes, Internship, PTO stuff, husband stuff, kid stuff, bills... and then you add in the economy, politics and world events. Whew! bring on the straight jacket here I come!
I thought I could do it. I thought I was cutting back enough stuff in my life. I got out of alot of the committees and things I used to do. I felt, still feel, incredibly guilty for not doing more. I'm currently planning the Harvest Festival for my kids elementary school. One of those things I have done for so long, I thought it would be no big deal. I could do it in my spare time. HA! So I pick up my high school daughter from play rehearsals, and take her to Party City so she could get stuff for Spirit Week, and I thought I could buy the colored hairspray for the Harvest Festival while I am there. Good use of time, get one more thing off my list, efficiency at its best. While I am loading up my cart with hairspray my daughter tells me that it bothers her that I'm not more involved in her school. I stop. I freeze. I look at her. "More involved in your school? The high school? You want me involved in the high school?" " Yes" Panic starts to creep up my spine. Guilt starts to roll in, like the morning fog, slowly taking over my brain. Me. Volunteer. High School. More stuff. How? Daughter. Not pushing me away. Good thing, yes? how? How? HOW? Maybe I could do it, I don't need sleep. I could cut out eating too, save some time there. If I cut out eating then I would spend less time in the bathroom, and lose weight too. That would be good.
I need to learn how to say no. I don't know how to say no. The guilt is too much.
I also need to take lessons in juggling.
How is everyone else juggling everything? How is everyone else doing in the saying no area?
How is everyone else keeping family and school balanced? Do you feel one area or the other is getting short changed?
I thought I could do it. I thought I was cutting back enough stuff in my life. I got out of alot of the committees and things I used to do. I felt, still feel, incredibly guilty for not doing more. I'm currently planning the Harvest Festival for my kids elementary school. One of those things I have done for so long, I thought it would be no big deal. I could do it in my spare time. HA! So I pick up my high school daughter from play rehearsals, and take her to Party City so she could get stuff for Spirit Week, and I thought I could buy the colored hairspray for the Harvest Festival while I am there. Good use of time, get one more thing off my list, efficiency at its best. While I am loading up my cart with hairspray my daughter tells me that it bothers her that I'm not more involved in her school. I stop. I freeze. I look at her. "More involved in your school? The high school? You want me involved in the high school?" " Yes" Panic starts to creep up my spine. Guilt starts to roll in, like the morning fog, slowly taking over my brain. Me. Volunteer. High School. More stuff. How? Daughter. Not pushing me away. Good thing, yes? how? How? HOW? Maybe I could do it, I don't need sleep. I could cut out eating too, save some time there. If I cut out eating then I would spend less time in the bathroom, and lose weight too. That would be good.
I need to learn how to say no. I don't know how to say no. The guilt is too much.
I also need to take lessons in juggling.
How is everyone else juggling everything? How is everyone else doing in the saying no area?
How is everyone else keeping family and school balanced? Do you feel one area or the other is getting short changed?
2 comments:
Well this is my personal opinion so here it goes! I have thought a lot about this as well. I have just really learned to be really good at saying "no" to the stuff I feel matters the least. I am president of our homeowners association and before I went back to school they were used to me doing a ton of stuff. But saying no to that kind of stuff I have no problem with. The problem I have is saying no to family. I know they said "prepare to not see your family" and all that stuff but I honestly don't believe in it. Yes, I realize that this program is going to keep us busy and that we need to dedicate a lot of time to it. However, you will NEVER be able to get this time or opportunity again with your family. If your daughter opens that window of opportunity up...you take it! I cannot imagine your workload...I only have one little one! But I do feel very guilty with her as well. I cannot simply tell my 18-month old that I have a lot of reading to do so I can't play with her. I try to do all my coursework when she goes to bed at night but I simply cannot function on less than 5 hours of sleep a night. I came to the conclusion that I have to figure out what is the most important and, quite frankly, some of the readings have gone by the wayside. Will you be a better teacher just because you managed to get all the readings in? No. If you can then great but if your family duty calls...then it calls. I know this program is important and I take it with all seriousness. However, my family comes first and nothing is more important than they are. Yes, it is very easy to think you can do it all and want to give everything your very best but is it possible without killing yourself? On my death bed I doubt I would regret the fact that I got a B in a class or that I skipped out on a few readings but I would definitely regret not taking time for those precious family moments...the moments in life that really count.
Anyway...just my two cents!
Yes I know this guilt feeling well. Until I returned to school, I was the mom that could always be counted on to support whatever the teacher and classroom. Now I have become one of those moms we discuss in class. You know the one that doesn't go to open house (cause I have homework), no longer volunteers for field trips anything else for that matter. To honest I haven't met any teachers in 3 years now.
I wish that was the worse part. I have lost count of how many times my oldest daughter has said, "We never .... anymore just you and me like we use to. Your always doing school work."
I keep telling myself that I am doing this to better my family but lately I have been asking, "at what cost."
I know lots of moms go to work and miss time with their families, but this is new for me and I admit how they do it still amazes me. And to be honest it saddens me to know they have no idea of all the sweet private moments they miss while they are gone. I miss them so much some days. These are not things we can go back and redo or even make up. :(
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